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Souple ede kite m’ tounen Ayiti!

That means “Please help send me back to Haiti” in Haitian Creole (at least according to the translator app on my phone),  I’m blown away by how awesome everyone has been, but, of course I could still use your help, please check the link if you would for my story any some insight as to why Haiti means so much to me (acco )  Thanks!

The end of Breaking Bad…

So I’ve been pondering the end of Breaking Bad, and I think I know what will happen.  In order to claim bragging rights, I must publish it ahead of time, so with 2 episodes to go, here it is.

Oh, and in case putting it here instead of just straight onto Facebook wasn’tthe protection enough,

WARNING: there be SPOILERS ahead…

So, Walt, who has been scheming for like 3 seasons to get away for good with his money, offers to ‘buy’ Hank’s life with it. I see this as a change oh attitude, perhaps even a hint at some last remaining vestige of humanity.
My second point of evidence, he provides Marie with an all but iron-clad battered woman defense with the whole “kidnapping” of Holly.

Now, both events don’t actually point to the end game directly, but they give me clues to Walt’s state of mind.
He may be scrambling, but he is still 2 steps ahead. The Holly alibi process this. I think, when we saw him 1 year older, considerably ‘scragglyer’ and Second Amendment’d up to the ears, he was coming back to save Jessie from the white supremacists.

He couldn’t make things ‘right’ for Hank, but he could save his family, and I think he will somehow find out that Jessie is essentially their slave, and come back for him.

Finally, for the denouement, I think, and this is all conjecture now, but I think Walt will tell Jessie that he is dying, and to kill him. What Jessie will do, I’m not as certain. The show will end with Marie and Jr. in  witness protection, and then Marie will get info from Walt on how to get the remains of the money.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

SO I have this folder on my google docs (drive, whatever, I roll old-skool yo.) filled with half-finished reflections on the hunger project I did last week (the longer I go, the less fond I grow of the whole “APP” thing.  It’s catchy, but I just don’t like it that much.  I’m not sure why I can’t seem to pull all my thoughts together into a coherent post, but I was lying awake just now troubled by the things left un-done in my life, and the need to change it all.  I can’t do a lot right this second, but I can post things on the internet!  It’s a start.

Laine and I have realized that we need a change.  We need to do something different, and I realize that that something needs to be for something greater than myself.  That’s why I’m a teacher, why I was going to be a cop, why I went to Haiti, and why I like working with Cache Creek (although, convincing evidence exists on facebook that this last has as much to do with playing with tiny adorable puppies as it has to do with living for more than myself…)

It occurs to me that since I’ve been done with this hunger project, I haven’t changed my diet all that much, unfortunately.  Partly that’s been a result of circumstance, but part of it simply missing real food.  I had to stop a little bit early of my original plan because we were going on the winery tour, and there was no way I’d survive on an empty stomach.  I have these little piles of change sitting on my desk staring accusingly at me over that, so I had better confess to my crime.  I did the best I could on all this, but damn do I love food.



It’s emblematic really, all these things I want to do, but feel powerless to change.  All the injustice in the world, and I feel like I can’t even touch it.  Here’s a heat map of areas w/ the highest homicide rates in Chicago.  The dots are schools closing because the fucking government can’t get their shit together. You don’t have to a social scientist to see what’s going on there…image

The Keystone XL pipeline.  I can’t even explain how raw this issue leaves me.  It’s big business trampling literally everyone to build a pipeline that will profit no one but themselves.  It’s an environmental disaster we’re building, the lobbyists have it bought and paid for in Washington, and it makes me want to scream.  (Here is a link for more info, it’s a little biased, but at least it’s talking about what’s really going on with this,

People are being massacred in Myanmar, but CNN has nothing on it. Literally nothing. No links, no embedded journalists.  All they care about is North Korea making big angry noises that are the geo-political equivalent of a fart in a crowded room.  Oh, and the fucking big ten tournament.  I swear to God, I can’t think of anything I want to hear about less.  They did, by the way, actually mention this story a couple days ago.  It, however, didn’t receive enough views to keep it on the main page.  In case you aren’t already aware, all the major news outlets are businesses.  They get most of their money from advertising.  If a news story doesn’t get enough views, the ads on it’s page aren’t seen by enough people, so it gets replaced by something more people will click on.  People may be dying, but basketball gets the clicks.  It’s not right, but there is the grim fact.image

The longer I live, the less I can tolerate sports. If you have a camera broadcasting your sporting event, you are no longer playing a sport, you are supporting advertisers.   I know, it makes me a bad person by today’s standards, I’m not sitting on my couch for 6 hours a day watching a bunch of overpaid twats and criminals throw a ball about in 30 second blocks split up by trillions of dollars of advertising.  I say today’s standards because every sitcom out there has at least one character who loves, more than anything, sitting on the couch watching sports.  This is the ideal the media creates for us to follow.  Here is the example of what you should be doing.  Why create this model? So you’ll watch more commercials, and buy more stuff!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I like stuff.  I have some kick-ass stuff.  Lately though, having “stuff” isn’t enough.

I’m not advocating Communism by any means.  Capitalism, like anything really, is fine in moderation, but for myself, I have to make a change.  I think about the billions of dollars spent every day trying to sell me shit, and I mourn the people who won’t get help that money could have bought. (I, of course, took a break mid-rant to check facebook, and liked a page, why? so I could win some stuff… sigh.)

So I’ve now veered wildly off-topic here, but I’ll try to close back on course.  Everything I’ve done the past few months, and hell, even years has led me to a point where I need a change in my life. Pursuing the “American Dream” isn’t what I want.  I want something different.  I don’t know what yet, but I’m working on it.  I feel my heart breaking over all this and a million more things, and I need to change it.  I have to admit that it’s gonna take time, but I have to do something.


[EDIT]  So I was thinking about this in the shower just now, and decided I should be a bit more clear.  I’m not saying watching sports is bad per se, just that it displays how warped by consumerism our society has become, and that I feel a lot of people don’t see televised sports (in particular) for what they really are.  Some of this comes from dealing with my students, and some just from watching it with a critical eye.  I don’t want my readers to think I hate sports or them, just that I’d hope we watch consciously.


Day 12 Wherein I reflect on the true nature of a chicken sandvich.

I won’t say that the hard part is over just yet, however, I get the distinct impression that the remaining 2 ½ days left on my APP won’t be as difficult as the first 4 ½.  Mostly, I won’t be at work, so that’ll be nice.  Then again, that’s always nice.  I keep looking for deep meaning to glean out of all of this, and while I think I’ve found a few things, like being grateful for what I have rather than chasing after things that aren’t important, I also feel a little dead about the whole thing.  Right now all I want is a chicken sanvich, not deep meaning.  I think it’s going to take a few days on a regular diet again to reflect on all this and find some real truth.  

It looks like today will be a 3 PB sanvich kind of day due to scheduling.  I’ve already had 2, and am so utterly bored by eating them I could barf.  I decided that I was going to have a real meal Sunday night.  I’m not sure yet what I’ll eat, but I am sure there will be a lot of it.  I feel a little bad about ending a few hours early, but if I don’t, then I’ll have to wait until after work on Monday to have something truly yummy, and that just ain’t happening!  

It ended up being 2 sanvichen, one cup of rice, BTW.  I’ll write more about all this later on today, I should have posted this on Friday, the 15th, but my brain wasn’t working too well by that point.  I’ll write more on all that too!

Day11 Wherein I lose focus and want a nap

Ugh.  Not gonna lie, the lack of calories to burn is making getting through the day rough.  My brain just isn’t processing data like it normally does.  In my down time I often read the news (to stave off insanity and stay current.)  Today especially, nothing has grabbed my interest.  Partly that’s b/c nothing much is going on in the world, and partly I think it’s the reason above.  Add to that the headache I’ve had since Monday and my complete lack of energy, and I can see how debilitating this kind of diet can be.  Hell, I’m not even doing that badly.  I’m not so hungry I can’t sleep, or even that uncomfortable.  Mostly I’m just irritable.  I don’t know, I don’t have much insight on all this right now.  I am, however going to have to go back to the rice tonight.  As nice as it was to have the baked potato, it doesn’t really have that many calories, so I’m gonna have to go back to the rice.  Today I also scrapped the orange, with another pb sanvich in it’s place.

oh yeah, the facts:

2 PB sandvichen @ $0.34 each ($0.68)

Rice @ $0.20

total: $0.88

More food for less money = a win!

Day 10: Wherein I forgot what I wanted to write about…

Grrr… I thought of something clever and interesting to write about this morning, and now it’s gone, replaced by my scheming to “buy” myself a potato for dinner tonight.  seriously, I’ve calculated how big a potato I can have tonight, and everything.  I’m not gonna lie, part of me feels like I shouldn’t already be bored with rice, but I am.  So yeah, looking forward to a baked potato tonight:
.09+.09+.29 = $0.47
14oz = 44.8 cents

Aside from that, not too much to report, I had the standard orange ($0.37) and pb sanvich ($0.34) totalling $0.71 (hence the .29 above.)  I’ve noticed that I’m much more tired than normal this week, and I have a low grade headache since Monday afternoon, but I kind of expected both.  The only downside is I’ve grabbed a couple naps the past 2 days, leading me to fall asleep later at night, so that isn’t the best plan.  I’m gonna try to stay up and clean house tonight.  Oh yeah, I’ve lost 2.6lbs so far, down from 192.6 to 188.naught.

I keep butting heads with this problem of how to live here, and not live the lifestyle here.  This absurd focus on having better things than my neighbor is so omnipresent here that it sucks you in whenever you aren’t looking.  Somewhere along the way, I lost my belief in the “American dream.”  It isn’t about having a home anymore, it’s about having better stuff than your neighbor.  I don’t want to live that way.  It’s a hard trap to escape too.  It isn’t enough to finish our house, we have to make sure we do so in such a way that someone else would want to buy it.  I’m tired of the trap…  Also, kind of tired of this tirade, and since I’m at work, I’d better get back to it, more later.

Oh hey, we have a new Pope. How about that.

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